Sawyer's Story - Public School to Homeschool

SAWYER - 5th grader
artistic, dry-witted, sweet, argumentative, slob-like-me, mercurial, complex

Like many children with articulation delays, Sawyer developed an anxiety disorder called selective mutism at three years old that made him so anxious in school or classroom-type situations that he could barely speak.  He also inherited my inattentive form of ADHD and struggled to focus in class, often having to finish his schoolwork during recess or at home (on top of his homework).  Despite all of his challenges he usually managed to excel on paper, missing straight A's by one percent on his last report card.

We occasionally discussed homeschooling him but his disorder improved a little bit each year.  His teachers were supportive and patient, and the school provided counseling, mentors and behavioral strategies.  Outside of school he saw a therapist and began taking anxiety medication in 2nd grade which helped considerably.

To our surprise, his peers were not only kind to him but he even became very popular - some combination of his air of mystery and his extreme selectivity in who he felt comfortable talking to.  The phone was constantly ringing with some or other boy or girl wanting to talk to Sawyer (he had no anxiety related to phone conversations).

SEXY SEXY FIFTH GRADERS??!

Within a few months we saw our eldest transform from a child into a hormone-raging tween.  We had expected that this would happen one day, but this was a horrific mutant mode we knew was heavily peer influenced.  He and his friends became obsessed with having Bieber hair, with looking "sexy" and trying to get a girlfriend.  We explained why he couldn't have a girlfriend at his age but he talked about it all the time anyway.

One day I went to check on Sawyer, a friend, and a few girls that were all hanging out in our front yard.  I found both of the boys shirtless.  They told me that they had their shirts off because it made them look hot.  How was I already having to deal with this?????  The shirts went back on, fast.  

PERSONALITY CHANGE

In his last months of public school Sawyer had become sullen, walking with his head down, shoulders sunken in.  His eyes no longer sparkled.  He asked if he could start calling me "mom".  If I hugged him or touched him affectionately he would immediately recoil or dodge out of the way.

We were losing Sawyer.

THE RACIST GAME

One day, when Sawyer was in another room, his best friend told me about a "game" that kids at school had been playing that they called "the racist game".  He claimed that almost all of the fifth grade boys were involved.  I asked him which ones weren't and he listed some names.  The way it went was that one of the boys would say something racist like "I hate blacks" :( :( :(.  Then if that boy didn't say "safety" fast enough, another boy would say "now you have to touch one".  My son's best friend told me that if they couldn't find someone black (there were very very few in the school) they would often touch Sawyer since he has tan skin (he is part Hispanic).  He said he thought I would want to know.

Later after his best friend left I asked him about it.  Was it true that most of the fifth grade boys were playing a game called "the racist game" and then touching him?  "Yes", said Sawyer, "but they only touch me because I'm always wearing a black shirt".

We had had neighbors move to a nearby (far-more-diverse) city, citing racism in the local middle school as the main reason.  Their girl was Hispanic, had all black friends, and said that many of the white girls were mean to them and she was sure it was due to racism.  At the time I had hoped she was mistaken or her experience was an anomaly, but now I wasn't so sure.

I emailed Sawyer's teacher and principal and told them everything the boys had told me.  I never got a response.  I can't remember now if I also spoke to the special education lady that worked with Sawyer about it - when we last spoke we were withdrawing Sawyer from public school and there was so much to discuss.

TWO DAYS - TWO THINGS

1/ I overheard a very disturbing phone conversation (my 9yo was eavesdropping in on his big brother's call and brought me the phone) during which a close friend conveyed a wide variety of sexual topics and suggestions peppered with many swear words to our shocked son in under a minute.  We communicated this to the child's mom and the school, even though it didn't happen on school property, and asked him to please not speak with Sawyer again.  It broke my heart.  Sawyer's friend left apologetic sniffly messages for a couple of weeks afterwards on our answering machine and Sawyer cried each time.  

2/ Let me preface this by saying that aside from an occasional note passing incident, Sawyer had never been in trouble at school (not that you get in trouble for note passing, really).  One fateful day Sawyer and his best friend used a class paper clip to make a pretend lock pick.  Sawyer had been heard joking about breaking into the school with a paperclip some weeks before so it was of course taken very seriously when it was discovered on his desk.  Another transgression that happened the same day involved his best friend's watch which had a video recording function.  The teacher caught them recording their classmates during class, which was a huge no no because of privacy laws (??).  The teacher put it on her desk with plans of taking it to the principal to have the video footage erased.  When it came time for recess, Sawyer's best friend put his watch back on and went merrily on his way, having no idea this would be seen as an act of terrible rebellion.  I received a call from the school and I gave permission for Sawyer to be spoken to sternly by the principal (they asked for my thoughts given his severe anxiety).  Even so, I had no idea he would be suspended (a one day in-school suspension - in the principal's office) and was beyond shocked when a paper came home listing as a reason for suspension in big bold letters: THEFT .

LOSING HIS BEST FRIEND

Sawyer's best friend was switched to a different classroom by the school.  His parents grounded him for two weeks and as a result he wasn't allowed to come to Sawyer's birthday party.  They both cried for days.  One day they sneaked a phone call and Sawyer came crying to tell us that his best friend's parents had said he was never to speak to him again because they considered Sawyer a bad influence.  This really gave us pause.  We had always considered his best friend the bad influence - a latchkey child, he often spent time at our home after school so I had gotten to know him quite well - but we had convinced ourselves that because we were being a good influence on him and he was at heart a very sweet boy, it would all cancel itself out.

EVACUATING SAWYER

We gave notice that we were pulling Sawyer to homeschool him using a form letter I found online.  I notified his teacher and thanked her for her hard work and kindness but didn't hear much from her beyond the practicalities of getting his supplies.  The registrar was somewhat passive aggressive, asking us what curriculum we would be using (I told her a mix of things, we aren't required to provide any information in Texas and homeschools are considered private schools).  She warned me to keep good records because one day Texas might require homeschoolers to use a set curriculum and report in regularly like some other states (extremely unlikely and records wouldn't be expected retroactively anyway).  She asked if there was anything they could do to make his school experience better.  I couldn't think of anything.  I went back a few days later to bring back our library books and she had a very kind, sympathetic expression on her face.  What had she heard?

POSITIVE CHANGE

I will go into more detail about our early days of homeschooling in another post but did want to briefly touch on changes we saw in Sawyer in the first two weeks.  He did not want to leave school and cried the first two days.  The third day he started asking about homeschooling and looked excited by what he heard.  By the end of the first two weeks:

He was walking with confidence (as upright as an 11 year old tween can get)

He stopped ignoring his little brothers

His eyes were sparkly and alive again

He was back to making witty dry commentary

He was smiling his sweet almost-a-laugh smile

He started calling me mommy again AND ASKING ME TO HUG HIM GOODNIGHT

MORE STUFF

Read about why we decided to put our children in public school despite originally wanting to homeschool here -  Before We Homeschooled

Coming next (Jack's Homeschool Preschool Coop, Teddy's story, Everett's story, Early Days of Homeschooling, What is Everschooling?)

COMMENT BELOW

Has your child or a child you know had similar experiences?